The Desire of the Moth

2006-09-25T21:38:00.000-06:00

I don't think anyone reads my blog anymore. But here is a new note I wrote for facebook that I thought I would share here.

Poetry
5:29pm Sunday, Sep 24 Edit Note Delete
So here is a problem I have. First of all I wish I was a poet. But I don't think I am. I don't think I have that profundity. Secondly, I can never think of titles when I write poems. Probably because they just spill out and I don't bother to clean them up and such. But... I am going to put some poems up here. And hopefully people will comment and tell me what they think. I don't really like to share my poems since they are so personal. But I will put a few on here...

This one I just wrote. It has no title.

It’s a bubble escaping from the
Pain of knowing that
Love - don’t think the word, it can’t be,
She said so softly a whisper in the sunlight, in the
Wind through my soul,
My head bent against the chill.
She said so softly, can you hear?
Her eyes deeper than the earth emptier than
An empty starless sky
She said
No

This one has a title, but not a very good one. I couldn't think of one. I wrote this a year ago. The structure is called a villanelle.
I Dream…

I dream deep dying phrases alone and still –
Bleeding milky white and crimson gray
When I find you huddled here, a frosty chill.

In silence, cold love’s trembling arms fell
Across your body, into the strength that lay
While dreaming dying phrases, alone and still.

Soft loneliness spoke, in sleep the helpless bending of the will
Occurred and left me waking, sobbing in the haze
As I found you huddled near against the chill.

But hope is naught, for how can you retell
(In bedraggled desperation I beg the gods to pray)
The deepening desires of phrases dreamt alone and still?

And though I often fear the dreadful meld
Of sleeping bodies, thoughts invisible in the day,
I still have found you buried here; a long-forgotten chill
Of deep dreamt phrases waiting, alone and still.

Well there are some poems. Hopefully no one will plagiarize them.

Yazoo City

2006-09-17T12:38:00.000-06:00

Well this weekend I did some fun things off campus. On Friday I went to someone's house for dinner and on Saturday I went up to Yazoo City with some friends. It is about 40 minutes away and the name alone makes it worth it. Some guys I know coach soccer up there so we watched their game and then went and hung at this family's house who they know- it was a really nice house. So we sat around and studied and napped and for lunch we went to the grandparents house up the street and watched football (all the football they watch around here is college football, which I find odd) and ate a very Southern meal: fried chicken and fried okra and fried potato wedges (they fry everything) and macaroni and cheese and BBQ (pulled pork) and hot tamales (which are hot tamales wrapped in corn husks) and boiled peanuts and sweet tea and "plain" cake (pound cake). It was so fun. This is the DEEP South, folks. I mean everyone works on the cotton fields (there is cotton everywhere) and put up Confederate memoribilia in their houses and define the word "Southern hospitality" by welcoming anyone into their house and feeding them, no questions asked, and little children saying things like, "I've never seen a Yankee before. I don't like Yankees very much." It was an experience, let me tell you. But I really enjoyed it. It is so different from my life. I love the cotton and the wide sky and the old, old trees on the horizon. I love how friendly everyone is and how caring. And I love eating so well...

The South has a lot of problems, though. Like many places. People are so close-minded here. I could never understand how racism could still be such an issue or how they STILL haven't gotten over the war. But they hate change. (My friend was telling me about this and it really is true.) Tradition is the most important thing. The culture of the South is very slow-moving and relaxed, and that's how the mindset has been throughout history. It just doesn't change that much. People are loathe to change. I don't know if it's fear or laziness. That's why the economy is in the dumps and racism is still a problem and they hate damn Yankees (I get called a damn Yankee a lot, by the way. In a half-joking manner.) Also, the Southern states that are more sucessful - North Carolina (though most Southerners say that isn't part of the South) and South Carolina and Georgia have become more northernized, with industrial and technological growth that is similar to the North.

It's all very interesting. I am so glad I came here. It has broadened my horizons so much - it is such a distinctive culture. No wonder everyone stereotypes it. I really am starting to like it, though I don't know if I could ever live here. I honestly think I would never be accepted becuase I am from the North - it sounds so silly, and I wouldn't have even thought about it before I came. But it is a big deal to Southerners. Who knows what God has for my life anyway. Right now I am just having fun.

Update

2006-09-08T17:57:00.000-06:00

So for those of you who read my rant and found it a little over the top, I apologize. I spoke too soon - I have found a lot of guys who are def leaders, of course within days after I wrote that. So anyway, that is all good.

I am going to a swing dance in about an hour, which should be fun. Though I have never really swing danced before, but hopefully I will learn. And I am so glad it is the weekend! I am going to do laundry and study and all that wonderful stuff...

Unfortunately, I don't have much news. I think I am trying out a new church this Sunday. It is a reformed baptist church that is affiliated with Reformed Theological Seminary in Jackson. Elisabeth is coming too. That should be fun. I usually go to a reformed presbyterian church that is nice. But I have never realized until I started attending a presbyterian church that there are a lot of differences between presbyterians and baptists. I think I may have mentioned this on this blog before, but I notice that the sermon is more directed at Christians and there isn't a clear Gospel presentation. So I am going to look around.

Well, this is a brief update - I am getting ready for the swing dance, which will be a lot of fun.

As always, you can pray that I will have wisdom in all circumstances!

RANT

2006-09-03T15:23:00.000-06:00

I don't usually rant, but I am going to now. And I am trying to put this as delicately as possible...so when I lived in VT, I was always disappointed by the lack of solid Christian guys who were true leaders, but, being naive (as I see now that I was), I thought that there had to be more of these leader guys out in the great beyond. With that fatal assumption in mind, and also because of the encouraging report from others who have gone on to college before me, I headed off to Mississippi with the intention of meeting some great guys and forming friendships and getting out of this no-guys dry-zone I have lived in all of my life.

And here I am. And so far, I have been the one taking initiative. Every guy I have met (and I was talking about this with my good friend E.Dell), I have been the one asking the questions and keeping the conversation flowing and introducing myself and saying hi first. At first I was like, well, after we get to know each other a little better they'll take the initiative and talk to me, but no. So that forms two options. One, I am invisible to all members of the male sex and they literally CANNOT SEE ME let alone have the desire to speak with me (which is what I thought all of my life back home) or men do not know how to take the initiative socially. I am finally starting to believe the latter option. Now, I need to clarify before I get in trouble. I am doing my best not to make generalizations and in my mind, I am not, because I know some men back home who are def leaders and I also have met a paltry few here - but of course, they aren't quite in the "Lea's Friends" category.

Anyway, I used to think that if I got out of Vermont, I would find "good guys" who, as I said before, were leaders socially and spiritually, were solid in their faith, were deep-thinkers and interesting, but I see now that I merely created a mythological man who only exists in the past. It is clear that this is the result of feminism, becuase I know that even sixty years ago, men took the initiative. They walked the girls home from school, carried their proverbial books, asked them on dates, drove them places. And before that, it would be completely innapropriate for a woman to introduce herself to a man - he would take the lead. I think of Laura Ingalls and her courtship with Almanzo - he was several years older than her, but he took interest in her and followed through persistently until she finally reciprocated that interest (and that is a true story! This does not just exist in fiction!)

I have been trained to let the men take the lead, and I took that seriously all my life. But where are these men? Who exactly am I waiting for?

And then I wonder if I have gotten this mixed up in my mind - to what extent should men lead? Should they lead socially? Should they introduce themselves? Or am I taking this too far?

Well, this is a depressing topic. I hate having all of my childhood-illusions shattered in three weeks.

Anyway, sorry if I offended anyone. If you read this and you are a great guy and can defy all my conclusions, let me know. I'll be thrilled to meet you.

Labor Day Weekend!

2006-09-01T16:50:00.000-06:00

I am so glad it is a long weekend...it is kind of weird though because half the campus left. Well, I am still here. Tonight I am going to do some studying, and tomorrow morning. I want to get it all done so I can relax a little. I am going to write for the school paper, so that should be fun. I found facebook, which probably is a bad thing. I don't have many friends, unfortunately. Elisabeth has many more. And she always counts both of ours to see who has the most...heh heh.
I am kind of evaluating myself and how I am processing. At first, after my parents left, I had a lot of fun and met tons of cool people. Then I kind of went through a lull, and I started getting depressed becuase I felt a little out of the social group. I think I am stabilized now. At first, all I wanted to do was meet as many people as possible, and when it stopped happening, it was disappointing. But like I said, I feel more established and confident now. I am the kind of person who doesn't process these sorts of things very calmly and rationally. I always over react (is that one word). It's kind of hard to explain, but I guess what I really mean is that, in stressful situations, I am either really high or really low. And then I stabilize eventually, though not for very long. I guess I am not very calm.
It is true that you learn tons about yourself in college...
In terms of homesickness, it is definitely getting worse. Let me clarify - at first I was sad when I thought about my family, but I was so busy with meeting people and dealing with the whole college thing, that I never thought about them super-long and I tried not to think about them - I kept a very tight clamp on my emotions. Now, when I think about them, I am not necessarily sad. I just really miss them, and I miss seeing them and talking to them. I also miss Vermont and CMC a lot too. So it isn't so much a sorrow, more of a longing to be back there.
Well, I am going to go eat dinner.

Third Day of Classes

2006-08-28T09:51:00.000-06:00

Here I am, still alive and well. Mondays, unfortunately, are a busy day for me. I do a lot of running around. I had classes from 8-10, then I have work-study from 12-2, then I have Honors from 4-6, then I am going to the school newspaper meeting at 7. So I am a busy girl. I was telling someone about how different it is to be so independent. I pretty much run my life and that's it. At home, every decision I made directly affected others - my family, friends, obligations. People relied on me for various things. But here I am only responsible for my own life. It's just me. Which is interesting, and fortunately, I think I have been raised to make good choices. But at the same time, it kind of bothers me. No wonder people always say that college students live in a bubble. We have no connection to the real world. In the real world, everything I do is entwined with someone else or some higher goal. Here my goals are to keep up my scholarship, have fun, and graduate. Not very earth-shattering

Of course I have other, deeper goals. Especially in terms of my walk with Christ. Although I go to a Christian school and I am in a Christian environment, I am starting to really see that true believers are definitely outnumbered my unbelievers. So there are temptations and trials here just like at any other place. Although I have met some great people, I also have met some who are so-so. And some really odd ones. But I think that this environment has really helped me to grow in Christ - but not because everyone is always talking about God or something. As a matter of fact, it's quite the opposite. Like I said, there are believers, but the majority are not, and, just like when I was in public school, I constantly need Christ to be my support and strength. However, unlike public school, I do not feel constantly dragged down by the world and influenced negatively by my non-Christian friends. Instead, I am challenged by what I learn in class or at the church I have been attending. So instead of always being discouraged, like I was in a public school environment, I find that this situation is a great place to grow. That is encouraging, but I still have so far to go. I know that there are many things to combat here, and I also know that there are a lot of decisions I will need to make. So I am praying that God will give me wisdom.

By the way, I have found a good church. It is the church that Lizby goes to (I think, though I haven't seen her there at all). It is a PCA church, but it is reformed so I will overlook the Presbyterian part. It is the only mixed race church in the area, which is a shocker. But becuase of my politically-correct schooling, I refuse to go anywhere that is segregated. The pastor is black, and he is great. He teaches exegetically (spelling?) which I am used to, and while his sermons may lack in "depth" in terms of his ability to link things to the OT, he is an excellent exhortative preacher. I always feel challenged after them. He just finished the book of Phillipians, so I am wondering what he will do next. A lot of students go there, and I have already sort of labeled them as strong Christians, so the fact they attend Redeemer is a good sign to me. So that prayer request has been answered.

I miss everyone, of course. I have AIM now (if anyone who reads this has it). If you want my sn, just ask.

Classes start tomorrow!

2006-08-23T10:43:00.000-06:00

One thing that I love about this school is the Christian leaders - today we had our last orientation session and before we left, the man in charge of the whole orientation committee gave a very strong challenge to the men and women indiviually. First he challenged the young women to be women of inner beauty who make wise choices in relationships and time management and every other decision we are presented with. He encouraged us to always remember that if we are in Christ, we are valued and loved by Him and we are truly worth something. That was so encouraging to me. In these settings where I don't know many people, it is so easy for me to seek attention through my appearance or my personality, at that just leads to a depression if I feel that I don't measure up. But in Christ, I do. I am His beloved child who will spend eternity with Him. It was a very good reminder.

He also spoke to the guys, which was awesome to hear, and he challenged them to be young men who are meek and pure, who live to serve Christ in a holy way, instead of falling into sinful patterns of thought or lifestyle. He was right on - it reminded me of Wes. And I was just so encouraged to realize that there are strong believers everywhere - even in the Deep South. It was really cool.

Tomorrow classes start. Although I was able to get the night classes worked out, I realized this morning that I have an 8:00 a.m. class everyday, five days a week. Oh well, nothing is perfect. I think I'm going to get breakfast food and keep it in my room so I don't have to waste time getting bfast in the morning.

One thing is for certain. I am not going to gain the freshman fifteen at this school. The food leaves much to be desired. I live on salad and yogurt. I can't even splurge and drink the sweet tea, which I love, because it gives me a very upset stomach (I can't figure out why). Today I was so desperate for something good to eat that I grabbed a doughnut with my yogurt. Even that was terrible. So dessert is also safe from me.

However, putting the food and morning classes aside, this is a great place. The people, on the whole, are wonderful. I am looking forward to getting involved on campus and meeting more people. I think once classes start I will finally feel like I belong, and I will also be very busy. But that's what college is all about. I miss everyone!

Here I am...

2006-08-21T19:12:00.000-06:00

So I am finally at Belhaven! And it's been fun so far - at first it was difficult - not knowing anyone, Elisabeth never around, and wondering how this was going to all pan out. Then my parents left on Sunday, and I thought that would be awful. It was hard, and I felt very alone as I walked back to my room, struggling to keep my emotions in check. I sat on my bed and really battled between feeling sorry for myself or trusting God. I think God won out - I worked at organizing my room to keep my mind off it, and then I decided to visit some girls in my dorm. That was a great afternoon. I met so many sweet people and had some great conversations, and I was so blessed even in that short time frame between saying goodbye and dinnertime. Since then it has been great. I am getting acclamated and meeting new people everyday...
however, today really has been a test and I am afraid I haven't had the best attitude - I had a horrible experience registering for classes and becuase I had to wait so long, (several hours) all of the convenient classes were closed so I have to take night classes. Which is awful. three of those babies do not fill one with joyful anticipation for the semester. I know my attitude was not the best when all is said and done...and that is very humbling.
But it is turning into a great experience and I look forward to the people I will meet and the relationships I will develop. Thank you for your prayers! I miss everyone back home very much.

Before I leave...

2006-08-15T19:18:00.000-06:00

I am heading off to college on Friday, so before I go, I want to share the prayer requests I have. I wanted to share them on Sunday, but we ended up not having a share time because of the visiting missionaries.

Please pray...

1.) For the adjustment period - that I would have peace about my situation (being so far away) and that I wouldn't focus on myself, but on others...also, that my family would adjust well and quickly to my absence. Also for adjustment to the whole college routine, and that I wouldn't do too much since I get stressed out if I have too many committments.

2.) For wisdom - in relationships, with all the various decisions I have to make, such as classes, what fellowships to join, who to hang with, etc.

3.) For a good church - that I would find a strong reformed church body where I can serve and grow in my faith.

If you could pray for me I would appreciate it! I look forward to seeing everyone again in October!

Another Expiriment

2006-08-13T19:15:00.000-06:00

Anyway, this is the pic, I also published this on my other blog, hopefully this will work...It's a pic of me sanding the wall of the house I worked on during our missions trip to Mississippi for hurricane relief last April.

Expirimentation

2006-08-13T19:00:00.000-06:00

I am experimenting with posting pictures becuase I want to put one in my profile...we'll see how it works out.

2006-08-09T12:51:00.000-06:00

So here it is folks, Lea's new blog...

You'll have to forgive me if it is a little sparse at first - I am not very technically savvy and I am also kind of busy as I am leaving for college next week.

I am excited about having my own personal space, and I hope I will become a better blogger through this. I usually am pretty inconsistent. But maybe I will become more disciplined as the year progresses.

I will add more later!